Single Again

Why is it I meet someone new, that something happens and the relationship self destruct it in .2 seconds?  I realize this is rhetorical and I may never have an answer.   Deep down I know I'm afraid.   I've lost so much in my life the thought of something real and permanent seems so far from my line of sight.

I'm not some skinny girl who attracts all the boys!  I've got curves some in the right places and some not.  What I do have is this huge ability to give love and the willingness to open my heart to someone only to have it squashed into nothingness..  This ache I feel right now I know with time it will become dull and only hurt at the odd moments.   Right now it's so raw and open I genuinely feel as if blood is squirting directly out of my heart to the point where I will cease to exist.

All of this I'm sure seems trivial to some, but trust me when I say I'm very much a gaping wound open and bleeding and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it.  Time will be the great healer and even time itself can only do so much.   I hope 2015 has started better for you than me...

Remember to work hard, be strong, and love with all that you are.
Becky

Where has the time gone?

I am always promising myself that every time I check back in here I am going to do better and write more and then life slips away.  It is 2014 and I find myself thinking back to that time when as a young girl I wanted to be "older" and then as my children have grown older wanting time to slow down.  I believe that is irony at it's greatest.  We always want what we do not have!  I'm blessed because I do have this unique group of people who love and support me.  I've watched some amazing things and I've witnessed some sad things as well.  I'm grateful for each day and all the precious "moments" I've been allowed to have.  I'm eternally grateful for a BFF that has stood by my side even when I say and do really idiotic things.  I'm grateful for a son that while we do not always see eye to eye shares my quirky sense of humor and my brown eyes!  I'm extremely grateful for a mom who's never left my side and has been the "mom she didn't have to be". I love you mom thank you for being in my life and loving me!

A very bumpy ride

My life has always been a very bumpy ride filled with pot holes , trees in the road and add a few folks who I should know better than to trust-just standing there looking at me and daring me to continue my path.  I've always been a believer in you reap what you sew , some people call that karma I call it BIBLE.   I've always been a tell it how it is kinda girl.  I've learned tact over the years but I still open my  mouth sometimes when it should remained closed .  I say exactly what is on my mind when it's on my mind.  I hate that about me that I'm so open most people can look you dead in the eye and tell you a complete fabrication I'm not sure which even in my life led me to the point where even if I don't want to say it or even if I wish I was telling you something else your getting the "real story" every single time.  When I refuse to talk it's because I am trying to spare you and myself from the hurt that will go with my being to forward. I said all that to say this : telling the truth is much easier than making some bull crap up that no one would believe anyways.  Life (real life is a bumpy road) but along that bumpy road is wild flowers, hawks sitting in trees, big old oaks that have been around long before and will be long after, streams and rivers that bend and turn. Fun afternoons with friends of a lifetime, memories of fishing trips that turned into an all day affair, Nascar and seeing that first race for the first time, picking out a Christmas tree, running to wal-mart in the middle of the night just because you and your nephew needed some cupcakes.  Sitting watching all 8 Harry Potter movies because your teenager wants to. Being on the back of a motorcycle with your big brother because it's fun, having that first wonderful date that ended up with a drive in the country.  All those moments aren't always on the straight and narrow path but without a few bumps in the road life sure would be boring. Life is about living and enjoying....So it may be a bumpy road, but it's my road...

I think that is where I am at ...I've been broken and hurt and it's time to grow to live again to start over. My life is full but it's missing something a best friend . I want to have my last first kiss.

It's been a wild ride...

It's been a wild ride since I last posted on my blog. I've experienced quiet a few changes some good some bad but as with all things a lesson was learned.

I've picked up a few things about myself over this last year. I learned that I am a better friend than I have always believed. I learned that doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing. I learned that letting go isn't as easy as you would think it would be. I learned that while you go through the struggles it's hard to see the other side. I've learned that if you smile and believe things will get better they usually do. I also have learned that if you go out with a good attitude and a smile you usually get one in return. I learned that people don't always say what they mean and they certainly don't mean what they say. I've also learned that very few people are true and real anymore and those of us that are left are usually the ones standing around in disbelief that their really are so few of us left. The main lesson learned is this: I will always be me and I will not apologize for standing my ground for being real and for being true to who I am. I spent a lot of my life trying to be something and someone who I wasn't. I will never do that again. I have to be me. I don't know how to be mean, I refuse to become someone that I am not. I love me and I love who I am.

I am thankful everyday for all those blessings that I have been given.

Just got back from a trip to my other home town Hot Springs. Had a wonderful trip. I can't wait to go again. Thanks to my buddy who drove and made the trip all that more special.

How do I get there from here?

I've spent quiet a bit of time as of late. Thinking and wondering just that...How do I get there from here? How do I make a change? I think the answer is this: The best way I know how. Anyway you can. One moment at a time. By any means necessary.

So for the first time in a very long time I'm without a truck. It makes me sad but I have to look at the bigger picture. My truck stood for something besides myself and I could not let it go, I do realize by allowing myself to walk away from that. In essence I'm shedding part of who I was, a life I've left behind. I'm more than ready.

I'm looking forward to the future and whatever it holds!!!

My thoughts the last few days

I found this saying when I was in Dallas on a business trip a couple of weeks ago.

Character:
Be true to your word, your friends, and yourself.

My question is this: Is it really so hard to do that? To be true?

I've been left pondering and wondering and actually hurting. I've been more real in the last few weeks with myself and with others than I can ever remember and all I've gotten from that is why I don't open up to people and why I shouldn't open up to people. I think from now on I'll keep my thoughts to myself and myself at home.

Later Days