Single Again

Why is it I meet someone new, that something happens and the relationship self destruct it in .2 seconds?  I realize this is rhetorical and I may never have an answer.   Deep down I know I'm afraid.   I've lost so much in my life the thought of something real and permanent seems so far from my line of sight.

I'm not some skinny girl who attracts all the boys!  I've got curves some in the right places and some not.  What I do have is this huge ability to give love and the willingness to open my heart to someone only to have it squashed into nothingness..  This ache I feel right now I know with time it will become dull and only hurt at the odd moments.   Right now it's so raw and open I genuinely feel as if blood is squirting directly out of my heart to the point where I will cease to exist.

All of this I'm sure seems trivial to some, but trust me when I say I'm very much a gaping wound open and bleeding and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it.  Time will be the great healer and even time itself can only do so much.   I hope 2015 has started better for you than me...

Remember to work hard, be strong, and love with all that you are.
Becky

Where has the time gone?

I am always promising myself that every time I check back in here I am going to do better and write more and then life slips away.  It is 2014 and I find myself thinking back to that time when as a young girl I wanted to be "older" and then as my children have grown older wanting time to slow down.  I believe that is irony at it's greatest.  We always want what we do not have!  I'm blessed because I do have this unique group of people who love and support me.  I've watched some amazing things and I've witnessed some sad things as well.  I'm grateful for each day and all the precious "moments" I've been allowed to have.  I'm eternally grateful for a BFF that has stood by my side even when I say and do really idiotic things.  I'm grateful for a son that while we do not always see eye to eye shares my quirky sense of humor and my brown eyes!  I'm extremely grateful for a mom who's never left my side and has been the "mom she didn't have to be". I love you mom thank you for being in my life and loving me!

A very bumpy ride

My life has always been a very bumpy ride filled with pot holes , trees in the road and add a few folks who I should know better than to trust-just standing there looking at me and daring me to continue my path.  I've always been a believer in you reap what you sew , some people call that karma I call it BIBLE.   I've always been a tell it how it is kinda girl.  I've learned tact over the years but I still open my  mouth sometimes when it should remained closed .  I say exactly what is on my mind when it's on my mind.  I hate that about me that I'm so open most people can look you dead in the eye and tell you a complete fabrication I'm not sure which even in my life led me to the point where even if I don't want to say it or even if I wish I was telling you something else your getting the "real story" every single time.  When I refuse to talk it's because I am trying to spare you and myself from the hurt that will go with my being to forward. I said all that to say this : telling the truth is much easier than making some bull crap up that no one would believe anyways.  Life (real life is a bumpy road) but along that bumpy road is wild flowers, hawks sitting in trees, big old oaks that have been around long before and will be long after, streams and rivers that bend and turn. Fun afternoons with friends of a lifetime, memories of fishing trips that turned into an all day affair, Nascar and seeing that first race for the first time, picking out a Christmas tree, running to wal-mart in the middle of the night just because you and your nephew needed some cupcakes.  Sitting watching all 8 Harry Potter movies because your teenager wants to. Being on the back of a motorcycle with your big brother because it's fun, having that first wonderful date that ended up with a drive in the country.  All those moments aren't always on the straight and narrow path but without a few bumps in the road life sure would be boring. Life is about living and enjoying....So it may be a bumpy road, but it's my road...

I think that is where I am at ...I've been broken and hurt and it's time to grow to live again to start over. My life is full but it's missing something a best friend . I want to have my last first kiss.

It's been a wild ride...

It's been a wild ride since I last posted on my blog. I've experienced quiet a few changes some good some bad but as with all things a lesson was learned.

I've picked up a few things about myself over this last year. I learned that I am a better friend than I have always believed. I learned that doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing. I learned that letting go isn't as easy as you would think it would be. I learned that while you go through the struggles it's hard to see the other side. I've learned that if you smile and believe things will get better they usually do. I also have learned that if you go out with a good attitude and a smile you usually get one in return. I learned that people don't always say what they mean and they certainly don't mean what they say. I've also learned that very few people are true and real anymore and those of us that are left are usually the ones standing around in disbelief that their really are so few of us left. The main lesson learned is this: I will always be me and I will not apologize for standing my ground for being real and for being true to who I am. I spent a lot of my life trying to be something and someone who I wasn't. I will never do that again. I have to be me. I don't know how to be mean, I refuse to become someone that I am not. I love me and I love who I am.

I am thankful everyday for all those blessings that I have been given.

Just got back from a trip to my other home town Hot Springs. Had a wonderful trip. I can't wait to go again. Thanks to my buddy who drove and made the trip all that more special.

How do I get there from here?

I've spent quiet a bit of time as of late. Thinking and wondering just that...How do I get there from here? How do I make a change? I think the answer is this: The best way I know how. Anyway you can. One moment at a time. By any means necessary.

So for the first time in a very long time I'm without a truck. It makes me sad but I have to look at the bigger picture. My truck stood for something besides myself and I could not let it go, I do realize by allowing myself to walk away from that. In essence I'm shedding part of who I was, a life I've left behind. I'm more than ready.

I'm looking forward to the future and whatever it holds!!!

My thoughts the last few days

I found this saying when I was in Dallas on a business trip a couple of weeks ago.

Character:
Be true to your word, your friends, and yourself.

My question is this: Is it really so hard to do that? To be true?

I've been left pondering and wondering and actually hurting. I've been more real in the last few weeks with myself and with others than I can ever remember and all I've gotten from that is why I don't open up to people and why I shouldn't open up to people. I think from now on I'll keep my thoughts to myself and myself at home.

Later Days

Being real isn't always easy....

I've had a rough few weeks. First and foremost I took a trip to Florida. ugghhh !! I will write about that in a different blog this isn't the time for that discussion. I spent 10 days in Tampa and I did have one thing which was alot of time to think about things. I thought alot about my life and what's important to me. Who is important to me.

I've been struggling with who I am and what I'm about. I know that I am always going to be me. I find myself wanting to be what people expect and never living up to that because I can't or I will not. I'm just me. I make mistakes. I say things at the wrong time sometimes. I hold a grudge when you hurt my kids. I get pissed when I see someone being mean to someone who can't defend themselves. I don't like it when people look down on other folks because of their color or their job or the way they look. People are people we all get dressed the exact same way one step at a time. Why does what you drive, what you do, what you wear, how you look become the be all and end all. When it gets right down to it. We all live we all die. The things that matter in the end is that you've lived. I want to live I want to find my way to find whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing exactly. I'm floundering and I need some guidance. I have friends but I'm not sure anyone can help me through this time except me.

This is the deal, I say exactly what I'm thinking when I'm thinking it good or bad. I tell you what I think and what I feel. Yes as my friend Ty tells me I'm "real" I wish more people were. It would make life so much easier. I have friends that complain about their jobs, their spouse, their life. I want to scream at them. It's your life "live it, be real quit trying to be something your not" I don't know if that's the key to happiness but I do know this. It is how I am able to go to sleep at night. I keep wondering if I should go to school, or if I should stay at a job I love. Is it to late, or is never to late? Am i too old am I not to old? It's the big questions, like: IF I will get out of my pajamas all weekend or I'll go live it up and party all night. What I am sure of is this. If I'm out painting the town pink or I'm sitting in front of the tv watching cmt videos I'm gonna be real. I'm gonna say what I think. I'm gonna wear the clothes that I feel comfortable in. I'll dye my hair blond or pink or green. Whatever I feel like. It's not about someone else it's about me. I'm still searching for whatever it is that's missing in my life. While I'm looking though I'm gonna be real. It's the only way to live.

Do you ever feel like.....

Your heart is being ripped out of your chest? That something hurts so unbelievably bad that you think you can't stand another second of the pain. Letting your children leave you is like that. I watched my children drive away today with their grandpa. It hurts so bad right at this moment that I don't want to do anything but curl up in a ball and cease to exist. They are my life and most of the time I can function without them here. I do okay but it's always as if a part of me is missing.

They spent this last week with me. Spring Break, and it wasn't enough time. Not enough time to watch them bicker and banter like two kids do. It wasn't enough time for all the dinners to be cooked, dishes to wash, cartoons waiting on the dvr to be seen. I miss them so much already. I'll manage to find that place somewhere between here and there and I'll function without them. But truly living is picking up dirty laundry, reminding them to brush their teeth. Listening to them go on and on about a video game or a boyfriend. There never seems to be enough time.

I'm sad right now and I have to be in order to get on with it. I'm going to gather my friends close and hold on tight and manage to make it through this day.

Spring has Sprung!!

Yesterday was the first day of Spring and I spent it inside working. I work at a store in downtown Nacogdoches. Fun huh? It actually is! We have what is known as the "azalea trail" in my home town. We have bus loads of folks that come everyday while this is happening to go to the "azalea garden" and ride around taking pictures on the azalea trail. I mean these flowers are beautiful and I can't tell you how many folks come and see them. It's actually quiet fun. You get to hear all their stories about where they are from, and if they have been to Nacogdoches before. It just makes life a little bit more interesting.

So I bought some azaleas to plant in my yard. I intended on doing that yesterday. You know good intentions and all that. It has now become a must on the list today. I also need to mow my yard and rake some of the last of the leaves that have finally all fallen and are stuck in the fence around my yard. Ugghhh I have lots to do and a short time to do it. Such is life I guess.

I love my friend Cynthia, she is one amazing lady. I've known her for quiet a while but we've recently become the closest of friends. I adore her for her candor, I adore her for her honesty and I adore her because she is what she says she is. She always manages to make me laugh when we are together. Who am I kidding me and her spend half our time laughing about anything and everything when we are together. We laugh at each other, we laugh at ourselves. Laughter is good for the soul. I love our visits and I love the fact that we can talk about anything or everything and let it all go. It's very rare to find a friend that can deal with that kind of honesty. Most people say they can, but most people in reality can't.

Well I'm off to go work in the yard. I'm going to enjoy being outdoors and not at work. Have a blessed day.

Friendships

Okay so this is the deal. I hate loosing friends. It kills me I suck at it actually. I don't like failing at anything and failing at a friendship is the worst. So I say all this to say I've lost some friendships over this last year that have hurt me deeply. I am leaving out names but those friends that I've lost have hurt beyond words. While at the same time I realize I am so beyond blessed because I have friends without them my life would be so empty.

I lost a friend whom I had for too many years to remember exactly how long. This person was beyond understanding my other half. Years and distance had separated us but we both could remember exact moments and conversations we had with each other. No matter how much time had passed it was just a moment with us. I understood him and loved him. This is the deal, he just got me. I didn't have to explain how I felt. With one look he just knew. He knew when I was happy and he knew when I was sad. We could communicate without words. There was more than one time that we both were calling the other one at the same time to tell each other the same thing. I wonder why it is you just connect with some people? I wonder why it is that you just understand that other person? I had that with him. I could just be and let me tell you that is a hard thing to find someone you can just be with. Most people have expectations. With us we just were. I wish I could tell you what went wrong with us, I can't or I wont it just hurts way to damn bad.

My friend George. How do you cover what a person means to you? I have no clue. Other than to say. I love this man so much. He is my brother. He is my family that I can't imagine life without. Both of us have said that we would have never believed that we would still be in each others lives 20 some odd years later but we are. He has been my teacher, my confidant, my friend, my brother. He has shown me so much over the years. He has given me so much. He has shown me about finding the positive when there isn't any positive to be found. While we don't always agree. We have always known we have each others back. A lifetime of memories a lifetime of friendship. I am not about to write all that we have been through but let's just say I'm looking forward to what the rest of our lives have in store.

I also have lost a friend that I got close to at a time I needed a friend the most. We met under strange circumstances but within moments I just knew this was someone I could relate to. Someone that I understood and that understood me. Within a few days we had made plans to hang out. The first time we hung out it was like being around someone I had known my whole life. The teasing, bickering, laughter. We joked watched some football fixed dinner and it was like I had known this person my whole life. I'm sure you've met that one person whom with you just instantly clicked. You just knew that you were going to be friends. This is the way it was with us. We clicked. We would call each other and laugh because we would be watching the same TV show reading the same news story and finding it funny. While we didn't always agree we could discuss and talk about our difference in opinion and it didn't change who we were. We could go and hang out and before you knew it half the day was gone. We had done nothing but just be. Sometimes that is just what you need someone to just be with. We liked the same kinds of things. We felt the same about our families and our lives. Things happened between this person and myself that I will forever be changed by. While I wish that I would have had a lifetime with this person I am glad that I got to share my life with them even if it was just for a moment. Life is about living not about living with regrets.

My best friend and I have shared so much. I love him beyond what words can express. He has been my rock in times of great happiness and great sorrow. HE is my big brother, sometimes dad, and the best of friends. I wish I could type into words all the love that I feel. I would walk through fire for him. I would give my life up for his. He is the best dad, son, brother, friend, I have in my entire life known. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He doesn't just say he will do something he follows through and lives up to his word. I do not know many people like that anymore. I can count on one hand the people like that I know now. Mark is who he says he is. He is what you see is what you can get. I can tell you this. In some of the darkest days of my life he has been there for me. HE has held me up when I didn't think I could take another step. HE is not afraid to yell at me when I screw up but at the same time pull me close for a hug when he is done telling me it how it is. I wish everyone could have a big brother/ friend like Mark. I wish that for everyone I know.

So what started all of this thinking is my friend. I'm not typing his name in here. I'll call him "Jim" for the point of this story. "Jim" and I have seen each other through some rough times. We worked together, what seems like a lifetime ago. He was one of those individuals that was moody, grumpy and hard to be a friend to. Which made him perfect, because I have always been the champion of the underdog. The friend of the unfriendable (yep I made up a new word). He needed a good friend and I made it my job to be that for him. Something you should know about me is when I make up my mind there is pretty much no changing it and with "Jim" I made up my mind. I was going to be his friend and be his friend I have. We have seen some big moves, a marriage, a divorce or two, kids growing, girlfriends, boyfriends, a few cars, a truck or two, hospital visits, jobs, and life through together. Never not once when I've needed him has he not been there. I would hope that he would say the same about me. I love him. He is my little brother and my dearest friend. Today he did something that got me to thinking. He got angry when I went to see him because he is worried what a girl he is dating might think about it. This is my deal. Why should you have to choose? What kind of person doesn't understand? We could have hung out with his parents. We could have sat in the back yard. We could have just talked that's what I miss the most. Our talks about our lives. I'm not asking him to go out on a date with me. I just miss my friend but I understand his reasons. That doesn't make it hurt any less. It hurts beyond words even as I type this. I left his house feeling so sad and hurt. Tears streaming down my face which turned into full blown sobs. I can't explain it to you. What kind of person would make you choose? What kind of person doesn't want you to have friends outside of them and that relationship? I know she knows how few of us he actually has. I've had both of them over at my house. I've never in all this time had the slightest romantic interest in him. Sigh I don't understand. I do know this. I'll be here when she is gone. I'll be here when we are old and grey. I am not going to stop loving him or caring about him just because he is pushing me away. I gave him my word a very long time ago that I would be his friend through thick and thin. I am giving it to him again. I will always be here. I love you.

I have other friends that mean the world to me. I am not saying their friendships count any less. Tasha, Sam, Mel, Mike G., Kimmie, Ty. I love you guys. You are the family of my heart. Time nor distance will never change that.

So I leave you with this one last note. It is a old saying but it still says it all. To have a friend is to be a friend.

nothing special, just my day

So today started out like any other normal day. I woke up to my phone ringing. I know, I know turn it off. I will not do that. You never know when it might be someone important. This morning it happened to be my best friend Mark. I adore him so there is no plans for shooting him for waking me up. He didn't have much to say except he was checking on me. Awww isn't he sweet?? Girls he is single. I adore him but in a gross he is my brother sorta way. So if you want his e-mail I will give it to you.

I was slow getting started. I had good intentions. First and foremost was checking e-mails and returning phone calls from the folks I had ignored late yesterday. Then I proceeded to work my way through creating this BLOG. By the way thanks Ty for all your advice and well letting me aggravate you asking for help. I think quiet possibly I'm getting it figured out. Possibly maybe.

So I went to the Lanana Creek Trail to walk today. I met up with a friend. It's always nice to walk with someone who keeps you encouraged, and makes you laugh. My friend was a breath of fresh air and I enjoyed spending time with him. The trees are so green and the flowers are starting to bloom. Spring is sprung, well at least for the moment. As we all know here in East Texas it could snow tomorrow. I do believe it snowed Easter weekend last year. As a matter of fact this time last week it was snowing here. Crazy weather.

So while I was walking with my friend I got this very random phone call. My friend Chris who happens to be my hair stylist called and said while your out and about in your travels around town. (Which is crazy that man goes more places than I do.) Anywho he said get me a copy of the Buzz (that's our local magazine) I'm in it. Okay Chris no problem. I'll get a copy and bring it by. SO when I got done with my walk I went and picked up the Buzz and took it to Chris. In typical me fashion I had to hang out and chat for a while. When I got there Chris was doing some ladies hair. He is always busy so we just talked around her. Chris and I go back and forth talking smack, he throws her in the conversation occasionally after all she is the client and i'm the crazy friend hanging out at the salon. I thought this woman is too quiet she probably thinks we are nuts. Well she finally started warming up and chatting with us. Come to find out she works with my Uncle and she knows my family. By the time she left, we were old friends. I ended up giving her a ride back to work so she wouldn't have to wait on a ride since her car was in the shop. This is a typical me story I never met a stranger. Carol if for some reason you read this. Your to sweet and it was very nice to meet you today.

The rest of my day has been uneventful and for that I'm thankful. As always count your blessings where you can find them.