Friendships

Okay so this is the deal. I hate loosing friends. It kills me I suck at it actually. I don't like failing at anything and failing at a friendship is the worst. So I say all this to say I've lost some friendships over this last year that have hurt me deeply. I am leaving out names but those friends that I've lost have hurt beyond words. While at the same time I realize I am so beyond blessed because I have friends without them my life would be so empty.

I lost a friend whom I had for too many years to remember exactly how long. This person was beyond understanding my other half. Years and distance had separated us but we both could remember exact moments and conversations we had with each other. No matter how much time had passed it was just a moment with us. I understood him and loved him. This is the deal, he just got me. I didn't have to explain how I felt. With one look he just knew. He knew when I was happy and he knew when I was sad. We could communicate without words. There was more than one time that we both were calling the other one at the same time to tell each other the same thing. I wonder why it is you just connect with some people? I wonder why it is that you just understand that other person? I had that with him. I could just be and let me tell you that is a hard thing to find someone you can just be with. Most people have expectations. With us we just were. I wish I could tell you what went wrong with us, I can't or I wont it just hurts way to damn bad.

My friend George. How do you cover what a person means to you? I have no clue. Other than to say. I love this man so much. He is my brother. He is my family that I can't imagine life without. Both of us have said that we would have never believed that we would still be in each others lives 20 some odd years later but we are. He has been my teacher, my confidant, my friend, my brother. He has shown me so much over the years. He has given me so much. He has shown me about finding the positive when there isn't any positive to be found. While we don't always agree. We have always known we have each others back. A lifetime of memories a lifetime of friendship. I am not about to write all that we have been through but let's just say I'm looking forward to what the rest of our lives have in store.

I also have lost a friend that I got close to at a time I needed a friend the most. We met under strange circumstances but within moments I just knew this was someone I could relate to. Someone that I understood and that understood me. Within a few days we had made plans to hang out. The first time we hung out it was like being around someone I had known my whole life. The teasing, bickering, laughter. We joked watched some football fixed dinner and it was like I had known this person my whole life. I'm sure you've met that one person whom with you just instantly clicked. You just knew that you were going to be friends. This is the way it was with us. We clicked. We would call each other and laugh because we would be watching the same TV show reading the same news story and finding it funny. While we didn't always agree we could discuss and talk about our difference in opinion and it didn't change who we were. We could go and hang out and before you knew it half the day was gone. We had done nothing but just be. Sometimes that is just what you need someone to just be with. We liked the same kinds of things. We felt the same about our families and our lives. Things happened between this person and myself that I will forever be changed by. While I wish that I would have had a lifetime with this person I am glad that I got to share my life with them even if it was just for a moment. Life is about living not about living with regrets.

My best friend and I have shared so much. I love him beyond what words can express. He has been my rock in times of great happiness and great sorrow. HE is my big brother, sometimes dad, and the best of friends. I wish I could type into words all the love that I feel. I would walk through fire for him. I would give my life up for his. He is the best dad, son, brother, friend, I have in my entire life known. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He doesn't just say he will do something he follows through and lives up to his word. I do not know many people like that anymore. I can count on one hand the people like that I know now. Mark is who he says he is. He is what you see is what you can get. I can tell you this. In some of the darkest days of my life he has been there for me. HE has held me up when I didn't think I could take another step. HE is not afraid to yell at me when I screw up but at the same time pull me close for a hug when he is done telling me it how it is. I wish everyone could have a big brother/ friend like Mark. I wish that for everyone I know.

So what started all of this thinking is my friend. I'm not typing his name in here. I'll call him "Jim" for the point of this story. "Jim" and I have seen each other through some rough times. We worked together, what seems like a lifetime ago. He was one of those individuals that was moody, grumpy and hard to be a friend to. Which made him perfect, because I have always been the champion of the underdog. The friend of the unfriendable (yep I made up a new word). He needed a good friend and I made it my job to be that for him. Something you should know about me is when I make up my mind there is pretty much no changing it and with "Jim" I made up my mind. I was going to be his friend and be his friend I have. We have seen some big moves, a marriage, a divorce or two, kids growing, girlfriends, boyfriends, a few cars, a truck or two, hospital visits, jobs, and life through together. Never not once when I've needed him has he not been there. I would hope that he would say the same about me. I love him. He is my little brother and my dearest friend. Today he did something that got me to thinking. He got angry when I went to see him because he is worried what a girl he is dating might think about it. This is my deal. Why should you have to choose? What kind of person doesn't understand? We could have hung out with his parents. We could have sat in the back yard. We could have just talked that's what I miss the most. Our talks about our lives. I'm not asking him to go out on a date with me. I just miss my friend but I understand his reasons. That doesn't make it hurt any less. It hurts beyond words even as I type this. I left his house feeling so sad and hurt. Tears streaming down my face which turned into full blown sobs. I can't explain it to you. What kind of person would make you choose? What kind of person doesn't want you to have friends outside of them and that relationship? I know she knows how few of us he actually has. I've had both of them over at my house. I've never in all this time had the slightest romantic interest in him. Sigh I don't understand. I do know this. I'll be here when she is gone. I'll be here when we are old and grey. I am not going to stop loving him or caring about him just because he is pushing me away. I gave him my word a very long time ago that I would be his friend through thick and thin. I am giving it to him again. I will always be here. I love you.

I have other friends that mean the world to me. I am not saying their friendships count any less. Tasha, Sam, Mel, Mike G., Kimmie, Ty. I love you guys. You are the family of my heart. Time nor distance will never change that.

So I leave you with this one last note. It is a old saying but it still says it all. To have a friend is to be a friend.